The Intrepid Explorer

She loves to be outside more than anything else in the world - well with the possible exception of food. Most mornings by 6.30am she is at the front door, shoes and snowsuit in hand, pointing frantically at the stroller. Just in the last few days she wants to walk everywhere and so, despite the fact that it takes so much longer and is so fraught with potential obstacles and distractions, we venture out by foot, Phoebe in one hand, stroller in the other.

Words are coming more and more by day, and one of her favourites is "no" (meaning snow). This morning we woke to find that snow had settled overnight. We ventured to the park only to discover that it was as yet untouched and off she went.

She explores with serious intent, taking in the whole experience as her feet crunch in the snow. The hidden changes of surface (up and down the paved areas) don't phase her, she is steady and sure-footed after hours of practice on every possible surface.

Inside she loves her babies and loads them into her doll stroller, whether two, three or any number up to 7 or 8! Babies are piled in and blankets and clothes stuffed on top of them. With a couple of bags hung on the handles she wanders off. "Bye bye" she always calls with a very matter-of-fact tone only to appear again round the corner of the table seconds later.

Food is a major passion, and she eats nearly everything. She picks out green vegetables first, and has recently been expanding her carnivorous side.

Sleep these days is an easy affair - to bed around 6.30 with bath, milk and one song in bed. If she's not asleep when I put her in, she hums and chats to herself, her babies and her teddies until she drops off. Only one nap now, but a decent length - between 1 and 2 hours.

She runs and climbs everywhere she can, and is desperate to jump.

She is a happy, active child.

Life is good.

Age: 15 months

It has been a long time. Months. How things have changed. Phoebe is now officially a toddler. She started walking unaided a week before her first birthday. It was a moment of great significance, and how she has grown from those first tottering steps, taken between Dan and I, with both of us arms outstretched ready to catch her. These days she can negotiate small steps and ramps with ease (thanks to Fantasia) and runs and jumps around the place as though being vertical were the most natural thing in the world.

The top left photo is Kathy with Phoebe. Kathy runs the NYU breastfeeding support group that we have been to almost every Wednesday since Phoebe was 12 days old. I still remember so clearly the first time that we went - it was the first time that I had been out on my own with Phoebe and was full of fear and trepidation. It turned out to be a place that saved me in the first few months. I have made many of my best "mommy" friends through the group, and we have enjoyed every moment of our time there. At the beginning it was a safe haven, and sometimes I would count the days until Wednesday. Going there just for an hour or so and sitting breastfeeding whilst talking to all the other moms, was such a source of comfort and support. I would leave every Wednesday afternoon feeling more confident and more able, however tired and challenged I might have felt that morning. I am sad to be leaving, but Phoebe's nap schedule and the growing numbers of newborns (and lack of older babies) makes it seem the right thing to do. I wish that there were more moms who were still breastfeeding their toddlers and not going back to work - but in the city, to be honest, I don't think there are many of us.

The second photo is Phoebe with her baby. She loves dolls and her stroller. She spends hours pushing it around the apartment and the park. She quickly learnt how to negotiate steps and handles it now like a pro.

Toddlerhood. So many thoughts. So much to say.

All in good time.

Age: nearly 9 months!

How has the time flown by? And why have I been so bad at updating the blog?

I'm not sure why it's been so long. Partly, I blame it on the fact that Phoebe is so active these days, and sleeps so little during the day that I no longer have lots of time to devote to the blog. But actually that's not it, because she never really slept for hours at a time, and she goes to bed really consistently and with minimal protest these days at 6.30PM. So who knows?

Well, anyway, I'm back at it. As the photo demonstrates Phoebe is desperate to walk. She started crawling last Wednesday and constantly wants to walk around the apartment holding onto my fingers - which means I have to bend forwards as I walk  - it's a back killer! She is very demanding at the moment, only because her mission to walk requires me to supervise her constantly. Gone are the days when she would sit and play happily on the play mat for 20 or 30 minutes at a time. I'm not meaning to complain. I do want her to be motivated to move. It's just exhausting. Two lower teeth broke through in January and now the top two are breaking through. In the last couple of months we have been battling bouts of eczema and she was finally diagnosed as showing signs of allergy to cow's milk protein and peanuts. So I have given up both in my diet (this leaves me a vegan who eats fish and eggs - what fun!) and her skin has cleared considerably.

She chants mostly two sounds - ma and ba. She sometimes very clearly says "mama" and we think she relates this to me, or to milk, which are one the same, so it works either way!

It is amazing how in the last couple of weeks she seems to be transforming clearly into an older baby  - obviously that is happening constantly, but at times spurts are really obvious. She is much more aware of object permanence and sometimes shows real signs of stranger anxiety. Despite her recent obsession with physical goals, she still loves books and enjoys exploring every aspect of her toys and what they can do. She has a real sense of humor already, and is generally very good natured. Really, we couldn't have asked for a sweeter or more rewarding little girl.

Age: 5 months, 2 weeks

"I love my book of baby faces."

Age: 5 Months, 7 days

"Just practising for going onto solids." (Mummy Sam has a new MinoHD which makes video blogging so much easier).

Age: 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days

It has been a while - several weeks in fact. We have been enjoying visits from Aunty Caroline and Daddy Brett and somehow with one thing and another I haven't managed to update.

Phoebe is sitting up unaided! She really is in her sociable phase now, she loves playing with people and smiles and gurgles at almost anyone who will give her the time of day. She has been desperately trying to sit on her own for a while, and although she is a little wobbly still sometimes, she often manages to sit for a good few minutes without her hands on the ground. She is noticeably more content these days. She barely cries now, except when she is tired. Feeding takes little more than 10 or 15 minutes  - the days of her hanging out for 45 mins to an hour for a feed are over. She is very interested in food and watches intently when we eat. Little more than a month to go before we can start her on solids, and I think she is really getting ready for it.

My main objective remains to try and regulate her sleep patterns. She is now getting much better and winding down in the evenings and often goes to sleep with little or almost no crying. Going back to sleep in the nighttime after feeds is also no problem at all.

So, we are working on day time naps, and I am trying to get her to take them in the crib rather than the stroller. I have been reading an excellent book on sleep habits and training, which is helping me better anticipate her tiredness and therefore be more effective in working out the time to let her wind down and put her in the crib. We still have some way to go with this, but I feel as though things are improving significantly.

Now I just need to sleep train myself - despite needing every bit of sleep I can get I woke this morning at 5.30am and couldn't get back to sleep - hence why I am writing this at 6.30am!

Age: 17 weeks, 5 days

At the weekend we went upstate to Dressel Farms to pick a pumpkin. We ended up apple picking also. It was a beautiful, clear day and the setting was just idyllic.

This past week we have had our friend, Caroline, staying and on Tuesday Brett (Phoebe's dad) also flew in from the UK. Both had not seen Phoebe since our visit to England when she was not even yet 2 months old. It has been wonderful to see their surprise and joy at the changes in her, and also to see how much delight she takes in hanging out and playing with them. She is really becoming a happy and sociable little one who increasingly enjoys the company of others.

Age: 16 weeks, 4 days

I have been a bad blogger...

The reality is that by the time I get Phoebe in bed and asleep, I am ready to drop - often without even eating dinner, which I know is very bad because I need to keep eating a healthy and nutritious diet for breast feeding.

It's not that things aren't happening. It's just that it's so hard to find time to myself to write. Phoebe is napping less and less in the daytime now and when she is awake I need to take advantage of the times when she will play on her own to get basic household tasks done.

Clearly this isn't going to be a daily account. Instead I will write whenever I can.

In the last few days Phoebe has developed a few new tricks. When she is feeding sometimes she pulls away from the breast and looks sideways at me until I look at her - then she makes a big grin, but when I smile back she quickly turns her head back to the breast. It's like a formative version of hide and seek, without any actual hiding. It's very funny, and it's difficult for me not to laugh and play along with the game - which sometimes means that feeding is compromised, but I figure we can afford a bit of that.

She has a rash on her leg, so when I change her I have to put a mit on her right hand to stop her from scratching - she waits til I am watching then whips it off with the other hand. Once she even threw it over her head!

I'm sure all of this is only a hint of things to come.

16 weeks, 2 days

"I wonder..."

Age: 15 weeks, 6 days

"The weather turned chilly today, so I decided it was time for my bear disguise."

For two nights in a row now Phoebe has been in bed asleep before 6.30PM with almost no crying at all. I don't want to jinx it by suggesting that a corner has been turned, but I'm hoping that might be the case.

Today she rolled over from tummy to back - almost by mistake I think, but then she did it again and with enough conviction that I was convinced that she did actually mean to do it!

She is getting stronger and stronger daily. I don't think it will be long now until she is sitting - she loves to be in an upright position, even more so than on her tummy. I sit with her on the floor balanced between my legs and a couple of times now she has leant forward and put her hands on the floor in a way that enables her to balance. She still gets frustrated on her tummy when on the floor, although she sleeps like that all the time now (we have learnt to relax, and sleep too!). Last night I watched her in her crib before she went to sleep and saw her pushing herself forwards by pulling up her knees, pushing her bottom in the air, and propelling forward. I've not seen her do that on the floor and am thinking that maybe it's easier to do in her sleepy sack.

Daytime sleeps also seem to be falling into something of a pattern - a 90 minute nap at around 10AM then a 30 minute nap sometime between 12 and 2, and another 30 minute nap at 3.30. I am trying to make sure that she doesn't nap past 4PM as I'm thinking maybe this is the key to getting her to sleep easily for the night. Who knows though, I have already learnt that as soon as you think a pattern is being established something throws it for a loop. It never pays to be complacent.

It is wonderful to watch her interest in the world. She is happy to spend much time on my knee out at the park, or other people watching venues. She bounces backwards and forwards looking around. She especially loves to watch other babies and small children. Sometimes she vocalises, I'm not sure that she's specifically talking to me, I think it's just general enthusiasm for the crowd.

When she's in her stroller she also looks around intently, usually with a very serious expression on her face.

As I write I hear that she has woken and started to cry - what was that I was saying about turning a corner?...

Age: 15 weeks, 5 days

"Not now, I'm feeding."

A word about feeding. When Phoebe was born and put to the breast our doula said "I think you've given birth to a leech." She has a very strong suck and loves to eat. She regards feeding something of a private affair and often puts a hand over her mouth so that no-one, me included, can watch her feed. She is very serious and passionate about her meals and once she is done enjoys the most luxurious stretch you can imagine while screwing her red, milk-drunk face into a squished shape. Nowadays she launches herself at the breast with a wide mouth and doesn't need any help latching on. In the last few days she has figured out while sitting on my knee that the milk is behind her, so she has learnt to fling herself backwards whilst turning her head, thus getting herself into feeding position at any time she likes.

When she was a newborn I used to try to stroke and cuddle her while she was feeding - she always indignantly shrugged me off, as if to say, "Not now, I'm feeding!"

I read somewhere that for young babies, the way in which they feed is their first means of communication. I certainly feel that the determination, tenacity and enthusiasm with which she approaches her meal times says something of her character...at least I hope so.

Either way, I am eternally grateful that she loves to feed.

Age:15 weeks, 2 days

Phoebe's first laugh - I can't believe that I caught this on video.

Priceless...

Age: 15 weeks, 1 day

This photo was taken yesterday in Central Park. It was a beautiful day and we had to run some errands on the Upper East Side, so we ended up with sandwiches in the Park. Phoebe enjoyed watching the dogs, children and babies (although I thought that the UES children were very strange, and mostly dressed like children from the nineteenth century).

Phoebe has discovered her feet. She seems very close to putting them in her mouth, but for now she likes to tug at them with her hands, and this evening spent some minutes happily talking to them in her crib.

Everything at the moment is about touching - she loves her book "That's not my dragon" with all the different textures to feel, and is also getting quite proficient at grasping. She can now hold the rattles that Daddy Brett gave her with ease, and we both enjoy shaking them and dancing to music!

This afternoon we all went to Amelie's 3rd birthday party. We all enjoyed sitting out in Sharyn and Shawn's garden, watching the children play.

Age: 14 weeks, 6 days

(Phoebe and Cammie wondering why both their mums are so obsessed with taking photos)

So, the conversation with the pediatrician about the sleeping (or lack of it) went something like this:

Me: We've been having a terrible time at nights with her sleeping

(Blank stare from the ped)

Me: She's been turning onto her tummy. 

(Continued blank stare from the ped)

Me: The thing is that sometimes she gets her arm stuck underneath her. I've heard that once they can turn onto their tummies themselves you shouldn't keep putting them onto their back again.

Ped: That's correct.

Me: But when she gets half way and stuck, shouldn't I free her arm, or put her down on her tummy instead, since she's insistent that is how she wants to sleep

Ped: No, you should leave her to work it out herself

Me (in my head): You mean we should leave her to get her legs stuck and bury her face in the mattress??? (aloud) So if she turns in the night I shouldn't reposition her on her back?

Ped: No, you shouldn't keep going in to her.

Me: (in my head): What do you mean, going in to her? She's not in her own room, she's at the bottom of our bed and most of the time we're sitting or lying there staring at her. Do you really imagine that we go to bed in a separate room?? Last night every time Dan even breathed deeply I shot up and scrutinized every inch of the baby. (Aloud) I guess we just have to leave her then.

(Blank stare from the Ped).

For some reason I left the appointment feeling as though I had completely over-dramatised a very simple situation.

Still, this afternoon Phoebe and her friend Cammie had another successful playdate. They really seem to love each other. Cammie has been having huge problems feeding and her mom deals with a fight every time she needs to eat. This also puts our problems into perspective.

Age: 14 weeks, 5 days

(Maureen, our labor doula, with Phoebe)

This morning I had my first filling! Pretty good to be having a first cavity at 37 years old. Let's hope that Phoebe inherits my teeth!

Last night was eventful once more. We got hardly any sleep between us. In the end we let her go to sleep on her tummy, then waited until she was deeply asleep to flip her onto her back. It worked the first time, but when I fed her at 4am, let her fall asleep, then flipped her, only 20 minutes later she had flipped again. At which point she was distressed on her back, tummy or side. In the end I had to feed her until she fell asleep then I dozed in the glider until she was so fast asleep that I could put her on her back.

In the day, though, she is such a happy and contented little soul. Yesterday afternoon our labor doula, Maureen came to visit. She hadn't seen Phoebe since she was a week old. Phoebe very happily settled in her arms and fell asleep. This morning, while I was at the dentist, since Dan was on a work call, she was looked after by Dawn. Dawn keeps threatening that she is going to kidnap her. It's just the feeding and the nappy changing that she's not so sure about...

Anyhow, apparently she was a good girl while I was away. I'm pleased to say that she's increasingly good at going to other people. Particularly people that she knows and loves.

It was like summer today - in the seventies - so we took a walk in Central Park, and I sat and fed her in the children's playground. I love watching the nannies and moms in the park. There was a gaggle of moms and toddlers picnicking. Phoebe watched all the children with delight, sitting on my knee, pushing herself forward as if trying to fly whilst humming and cooing.

8.31PM I am sitting by the side of her crib writing this. She is asleep on her tummy. I know, I seem obsessed by this whole tummy thing. Bed time was a struggle. She was so tired and yet completely unable to wind down. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate in helping her, despite the fact that I spend many hours trying to figure out how best to make sure that she doesn't get overtired. Why is sleep such a struggle? I have wondered if it's a survival mechanism. Some sort of deeply ingrained instinct to try and stay awake at all costs, and therefore not be vulnerable to attack. Hmm. Who knows. All I know is that in 14 years time we will be having a struggle getting her out of bed and not into bed.

During the whole bedtime struggle, there was one moment of magic. I tried singing to her, it usually makes her even more frustrated, but this time she relaxed, looked me right in the eye and smiled. She then continued to smile as I sang. I fetched the guitar, thinking that if I just sang and played next to her she might feel less alone and the music might send her to sleep. Plus it gives me some practice time. She was definitely mesmerized by the sounds, although I was unable to send her to sleep.

Here I sit until she is deeply enough asleep that I feel I can turn her without waking her...

Age: 14 weeks, 4 days

This morning, during tummy time on the play mat, Phoebe rolled from her back to her tummy and managed to free both hands. Twice. 

This is a huge relief because at the moment we are getting very little sleep due to the fact that she is trying to turn onto her tummy in the night. She seems to want to sleep this way, and usually gets most of the way over, but until now usually with one arm trapped. Every time we turn her onto her back, she wakes up and cries. If we succeed at keeping her on her back to go to sleep, often 20 or 30 minutes later she has turned back again onto her tummy.

This is a battle that we will lose. At some point we will have to let her sleep on her tummy. For now though, I will continue to do everything I can to ensure that she sleeps on her back or her side. No doubt this is the first of many struggles - her fight for independence and our instinct for protection.

She is in a smily and bubbly mood this morning. There is nothing more satisfying than having her sat next to me in her chair, playing with her animals and babbling. Occasionally we share a smile. She is very intrigued by this tapping sound as I write. She is staring intently at my hands, trying to work out what is going on.